“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever, (homosexuals included), believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
“But, Pastor, Don’t you believe in victory over sin?!” Sue exclaimed into the phone.
“Of course I do,” replied the pastor. “But that kind can never change! Furthermore, I would advise you to keep your children away from him!”
As a new pastor myself, having left behind the gay lifestyle, I had been preparing Sue and her family for baptism into Jesus Christ. From my own perspective and experience I had taught them well that our God is mighty to save, even to the uttermost. Hence her response to this skeptic pastor who had called to inform them of the past nature of this man (yours truly) who was studying with them. Though they may have been surprised to hear for the first time from prejudiced lips the story of my past, it only made them realize all the more the power of our Savior to save the “whosoevers”— that even homosexuals might become “overcomers” and have right to the tree of life.
One week later, I baptized this family, having gone to great lengths to support the husband in a desperate struggle of his own with an addictive besetting sin, leading him to victory in Jesus.
Yes, I had to admit to this family that up until my conversion one year earlier I had been a homosexual most of my life, though not the pedophile as accused. They already knew that I had come to the Lord from a life of total degradation, but it had not been my practice to share openly the specifics of my past. However, as more and more people became aware through my written testimony, private conversations, or even the gossip through the grapevine, it was not uncommon for someone to walk up to me and say, “Pastor, if the Lord can save you, he can save anybody… I now understand and believe in His power to also give me victory in my life. Would you be willing to baptize me?”
The youngest of 3 boys with 3 sisters, I was one of those who grew up thinking himself to be unlike all the other boys, more inclined towards the gentler side of life than to the rough and tough games and sports enjoyed by “all the other boys.” As I matured into a teenager, I was very aware of my sexual attractions to young men rather than to young women. As far back as I could remember my tendencies seemed to have leaned in that direction. So, of course, I was one of those who eventually accepted the “fact” that I had just been “born gay.” God must have made me that way.
In retrospect, I can now see various factors that helped shape and mold me into what would later blossom into an all out, full-fledged homosexual, both in orientation and in behavior. At the age of 4, I was introduced to sexual behavior by a young farm hand who worked for my father. As is typical with most victims of sexual abuse, I felt guilty, dirty, as though I had done something terribly wrong. Therefore, the last thing I wanted to do was to go tell “Mommie” and “Daddy” what I had done to this man…, (rather than what this man had done to me).
To make a long story short, I kept this deep, dark little secret tucked securely away for almost 25 years. As with an unattended splinter in the flesh, it festered all those years producing wild imaginations and fantasies and perverted attractions until an eventual eruption into overt homosexual behavior that left me in shock and my family devastated.
Having not dealt with this childhood incident properly by going to my parents where I could get sympathy, understanding and loving counsel, I began to regress emotionally and physically. Though all my parents’ children had been potty trained by the age of 2, I lapsed back into a bed-wetting problem that seemed to be beyond cure. Years later, I was taken for a medical exam only to be diagnosed with perfectly normal kidneys. Therefore, my problem must be one of “choice,” “laziness”, “an unhealthy desire for attention,” etc.
Never dreaming that there could be an emotional problem, my father had been using very poor parenting methods to try to make a man child out of me, to the point of intentionally shaming me publicly in order to make me stop being so lazy about going to the bathroom and to toughen me up as a boy. Of course, that only exacerbated the problem. It was not until I left home at the age of 15 that I stopped bed-wetting, and that almost immediately.
By this time, however, I had such low self-esteem that I actually craved the attention, acceptance, love, and physical demonstration of that love from men. Still, I tried desperately to be “normal,” having girl friends, eventually marrying and fathering two beautiful children. But marriage did not fill the void in my life as I had expected. After all, how could the love and devotion and attention of a doting wife possibly compete with the craving for attention, acceptance, and love from men? What a tragic situation in which to put an unsuspecting young woman! So, now I had guilt piled on top of guilt, creating a burden under which I eventually collapsed.
Losing my family, I turned my back upon God and everything and everyone I knew and fled into the unexplored world of homosexuality. What followed was years of night clubs and bar rooms, and resorts of ill repute; 11 years in “long term” relationships and 5 years of “tricking”; highs and lows, ecstasies and agonies, high hopes and dashed dreams,
heartache, heartbreak, frustration, depression and despair.
Through the interceding prayers of my family, the Lord allowed me to be brought down to the lowest depths of degradation to where the only way to look was up. From there, once I stopped blaming God and everyone else for my situation, He began to reveal to me through His word and through my own honest examination and evaluation of my life how and where I had been derailed—where I had gone wrong.
Acknowledging homosexuality to be sin, and assuming responsibility for my own present and future, I turned to Him in desperation with an honest desire to be set free from my life of bondage. I submitted to His divine plan of restoration, therapy, and re-creation. With simple, childlike trust, I committed myself to a life of obedience to His will and His way, regardless of my existing tendencies, attractions, feelings and emotions. In thus starving out “the old man” and feeding “the new man,” I eventually came to realize that in Christ, I had become a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.” (See 2 Cor. 5:17)
I prayed earnestly that God would give me a second chance in life and a double portion of His Spirit that I might redeem the time squandered through my many years in homosexuality. The night of my baptism He launched me into full time ministry (that has now grown into pastoring, writing, radio evangelism, and international speaking.) One year later He brought my present wife into my life. In the subsequent years He blessed us with two beautiful children. “It’s time to stop praying for those second chances and double portions,” she pleaded in good humor upon hearing that we probably were going to have twins.
The Good Book says, “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” (1 Cor. 2:9)
This promise is for the homosexual, sin-sick and willing to submit to the will of our loving Father Who truly does know best for His created children.
It took nine years for me to get to the point where I could write and speak openly about my testimony. Such is the result of the guilt and shame associated with homosexuality. However, David wrote, “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy.” (Ps 107:2) So I have now come forward to boldly declare Jesus Christ Who can and will save His people personally, not in their sins, but from their sins, including even the sin of homosexuality.
In publishing my story as a book on how to understand and overcome homosexuality, as well as an autobiography, I chose a pen name—“Victor J. Adamson.”—a new name that might in itself reflect my experience through Jesus. For He says, “To him that over-cometh will I give…a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.” (Rev. 3:17) Now, I look forward to someday receiving the new name that God has chosen for me.
John 3:16 tells us, “…God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever (homosexuals included), believeth in Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life.
“‘Whosoever’ surely meaneth me!”